Life Sucks and Then You Die
by Sambev
Summary: Midmorning, early morning, don't know, don't care. I've never really believed it's a new day until I've seen daylight, pathetically squeezing it way around the edges of a manhole. Trying to get to me, but stopped dead in its tracks.
1. Chapter 1

The birds ain't chirping. There was no gentle morning light coming through my bedroom window to warmly wake me to the smell of blueberry pancakes. No loving mother to call me downstairs for breakfast. No wonderful friends to look forward to seeing that day at school. But I did have a headache and that would have to make up for all those things I don't have. So it was morning. Midmorning, early morning, don't know, don't care. It doesn't really matter, because I've never really believed it's a new day until I've seen daylight, pathetically squeezing it way around the edges of a manhole. Trying to get to me, but stopped dead in it's tracks. That, usually fallowed by something that ticks me off. But somehow it felt late in the morning.

I frowned, and that was the first thing I did that day. I'd slept all night, went to bed pretty early; didn't go out or anything, but I still felt like crap, cheated and unsatisfied. Just trying to raise my head off the pillow was enough for me to call it a day. There was only a small amount of light coming into my room, it bothered my eyes. I pretty much had to threaten them to stay open. "Ah, hell..." My head was aching, joints stiff. I held one hand to my head, massaging my temples.

Great. Just great.

Outside, not the real outside of course, I could hear my brothers were already awake making more than enough noise for the morning. Apparently the art of invisibility doesn't apply when I'm trying to sleep.

"Bastards." A low thumping developed in my ears, as I got out of bed. I didn't know what time it was, but it was late enough for me to be ticked off. I could already tell today would be a classic example of why I hate everything. Raphael's door swung open just as Michelangelo and Donatello were deciding to go and wake him up in their own special way.

"Hey Raphy!" Donny said.

Mikey ran up and threw Raphael into a bear hug. "Raph! I didn't think you'd ever come outta their alive. I thought I'd lost you forever bro!" He squeezed his brother dramatically for good measure.

Leonardo; who had been preparing breakfast as best he could, failed miserably with time to spare, had come out to see what the others were doing. He and Donatello both cringed as Raphael's face formed into an angry growl, but they weren't fast enough to do anything about it.

Raphael pushed Mikey off him in one sharp thrust. "Shuddup, and don't ever freakin' touch me!" He shoved past them, but Leonardo grabbed Raph's arm and spun him around, so that they stood face to face. The exhausted bags beneath Raphael's eyes were hidden behind the red facemask he wore.

They glared at each other. "But you already missed our morning training, and we promised Master Splinter we'd help you catch up." The others were grinning at me, I swallowed several time trying to wet my sore throat. Why can't they see I just wanna be left alone? I forced a slow deep breath into my body and released it.

"Yea, and how are ya planning to do that?" My three brothers immediately snapped into their individual fight stances. I shoulda too, but didn't bother. My head was pounding just thinking about exercise. Honestly, I never get a break around here.

"All you've got to do is knock all three of us down." Donny said.

"And he approved of this?" I caught Master Splinter's eye from where he was sitting several yards away, he looked hard and patiently at me, just like he always does.

"Before they knock you down." He added.

"Ah." Yea, and I was flat on my butt before anyone even said go. Spots floated in front on my eyes, and I could barely make out the sound of my brothers laughter through the roar of head rush. "That ain't fair!" I barked, my blood boiling. I jumped to my feet and threw a punch at Leo, who was closest and who's face I the found the most annoying at the moment. He caught it easily and twisted, I fell again. "Damn!" They laughed, then Leo held his hand out to help me up. I growled at him and smacked it aside, and helped myself up. I was out of breath, they thought that was pretty funny too.

"What's wrong Raph?" Mikey said, I thought for a moment he was being serious, but should have known better. "You gettin' fat, or just lazy?"

"Shut the hell up Mikey." I whispered, trembling, half from anger, half from my headache and embarrassment. I would have liked to smack Mikey around a bit, but I never had the chance. Splinter stood up just as I sat down, I looked at him, waiting for him to administer a 'fair' punishment for my supposedly rash actions.

"Enough," He said to all of us, then to my brothers, "Why don't you three go help clean up that mess that Leonardo made earlier in the kitchen."

"What about Raph?"

"He will stay and have a word with me." They shrugged and left, we know better then to argue with Master Splinter's authority. So they were out of my nonexistent hair, but now Splinter was going to give his worst to me. I rested my head and one hand and sighed loudly. We were both silent, I assumed he was watching me, but I wasn't looking at him, so I couldn't tell. "So what? Ten flips, meditation?"

"Tell me what is wrong my son. Are you not feeling well or is it merely your temper?" I stood and started to walk away. A little bit of both. Peace and quiet, one day without this feeling dragging me down. "Raphael! If you do not appreciate my words then perhaps ten flips will help you find your calm after all."

"Yea, that's what I thought..." I was tempted to ignore his order, but I could never do that. I wasn't mad at Master Splinter, I was just... mad, and had a sick headache, and got knocked on my butt when I'd rather have been sleeping off a dumb ass cold. So I did my damn flips. I know Master Splinter was watching, I could feel persistent eyes on my back. Every time I missed and got caught on my shell. "Damn!" Each time I was too dizzy to get up right away. I dunno what it meant to him, I had failed to mention to anyone that I was simply sick and tired. So they could think whatever they wanted about me. I couldn't care less. I finally managed to do all ten flips, and was out of breath, only because I was too off balance to get all ten right in a row.

Mikey, Donny and Leo were still trying to repair whatever damage Leo had done to the kitchen. Which worked out well enough for me, because I didn't want them to see me sweating anyway. Splinter was meditating, which was my first big clue that he had nothing to say to me. I could have gone and helped the guys, you know, to kinda say I was sorry for being a jerk, but I really wasn't that sorry, and I knew it would probably just have started another fight.

So, I went and sat down in front of the TV. There was April's face, in a calm mask of information giving, but didn't know what she was saying because I had the sound off. The time in the corner say 11:15, 11:16, 11:17.

Then my brothers came out with a new plan. Leo clapped one hand on my shoulder, "Hey Raphael, why don't we go raid April's fridge for breakfast? We already called and asked." It's funny how those brothers of mine always forget that only five minutes ago I had been ready to bash their skulls, and they had been mocking my less than graceful disposition. The tension immediately forgiven, ain't they great, ha.

"Yea, since Leo ruined ours."

"You can't cook either Donny, so keep quiet." I looked at them rolling my eyes.

"She's still working." I moved to show them the TV screen, but it had already moved on to commercials. I scowled at the TV.

"By the time we get there, she'll already have taken her shoes off. 'kay? You in?" I shrugged, "Yea, whatever. We all approached Splinter in hopes of gaining his permission.

"Master Splinter." Mikey started. Our rat sensei looked up. "Do not forget you are ninjas, you practice the art of invisibility. Do not let yourselves be seen." He answered before they even had a chance to ask.

"All right!"

Leo, Donny and Mikey all took off running until it formed into a race. I just walked, grumbling at them, until they were out of sight. I was about to yell at them to wait, when my sore throat caught me off guard and had a short coughing fit. "Man, damn cold. Shoulda stayed home."

Screw them. Who cares? If they do, then they'll just have to wait. I wasn't going to hurry just to make life more convenient for them.

"There he is!"

I glared at them, "Hey yer actually happy to see me." Yea, that's my sarcasm. I guess I always seem to forget, or at least pretend to, that we were angry at each other just as much as they do. I guess it's just a game we play. Mikey ran up to me an did a flashy cartwheel. His foot came dangerously close to my chin. And now it's back, just like that. I growled at him. "Watch where your swinging those things, or I'll tear one of 'em off and beat ya with it."

"Or I'll tear of 'em off and beat ya with it." Mikey mimicked. Would have been cute it he wasn't mimicking me. He held his hands up in defense "That's my way of sayin' lighten up. So that way you'll be nicer and be able to keep up with us!" I raised my fist, then Leo slid in-between Mikey and I.

"You have seemed kinda slow today Raph, you feelin' okay?"

Now he cares, well now I don't care. Thanks Leo, for nothing. I poked him hard in the chest, as a gentle threat against my current mood. "I'd feel better if your snoring didn't keep me up all night"

Don and Mikey laughed. "I'll just pretend that's Raphael for 'I'm fine thanks'." We traveled the familiar sewers, occasionally having to dodge in the shadows under grids, like monsters, like refugee frogs in a science class; innocent on death row, but we were virtually invisible. Donatello led us, and I was several paces back, trying to stifle the sound of my cough. We stopped under a thin ring of light marking a manhole. No different from any of the others, yet somehow we knew from habit.

"This is the manhole across the street from April's. We'll come out in that alley, and we can go across on the catwalks, then slip in through the kitchen window.

I grunted, "Sheesh duh."

Donny lifted the manhole just enough for him to look for any people, we waited, he waited. "Clear?" Leo asked, though is was obvious it wasn't. The sound of yelling drifted into the sewer and echoed. My head pounded.

"No, there's a street fight. Again. Come look Leo." Leo moved up and looked. I cleared my throat a few times. Mikey was fidgeting,

"Is it dark enough for us to uh... help?"

"Yea, but we'll have to be careful."

"Aren't we always?" I sighed and coughed a little, fallowing their lead. Not like we had to burst into every fight we saw, that's what guys like Casey are around for. Of course I'd be the first if I didn't feel like crap. Not like everyone who got into a street fight needed or wanted our help. But there we always are! I took a look at the fight, and was surprised by the size, and easily decided more than enough of them were fighting for the wrong reasons. Never mind, Casey would have gotten his ass kicked. I eat my words. That seems to be the theme for today.

"Ah, hell."

Protected by the darkness of the alley, we, more my brothers, made quick work. Honestly, I wasn't even trying, just knock a couple down here and there. Even without my help these fifteen or so punks were no challenge. "Okay, can we go now?" I asked irritably.

"Ooh, no, they've got reinforcements." Mikey said. I turned, whipping my arm across my brow. Yep, there they were, another group pulled around the corner, slightly smaller than the later. What was this, a scheduled street brawl? I was trying to count the group, but kept forgetting who I had already counted. Guess that was the first sign I shoulda backed out and found somewhere to hide until it was over. I was being careless, wasn't feeling careless, felt detached, like I wanted to sit down.

Someone hooked me in the jaw. My head spun, and lightly somewhere in my head I thought I heard Mikey say, "Chuckin' time". I took a moment trying to remember what that meant. Then something hit me square in the temple. I blanched, of course, that meant duck. "Shit." I stumbled trying to regain balance, then crumbled forward onto the pavement.

"Raph?"

"Raphael!" 


	2. Chapter 2

Donatello kneeled over his unconscious brother, with a pair of tweezers in one hand and a flashlight in the other. Carefully removing dirt from a good sized cut on the side of Raphael's head. Nunchaku is easily Mikey's talent, he knows how to use them, he knows how to use them against people, without giving them more than a headache.

That's what he had been doing, giving a handful of goons a nap and a headache. So when he swung his nunchakus, aimed at people a roughly at arms length away, and it hit their brother, full force, only a few inches away, it split the side of his head like a melon. It would have been funny if they didn't have to drag him all the way home.

Mikey must have said he was sorry at least a hundred times, and he was likely to say it a hundred more times once Raph woke up. Donny hadn't heard from him in a while, he was probably meditating, if he was wise. It wouldn't hurt to be fully rested in case Raph tried to tear chunks out of him, which he was likely to do. Donatello put his tools aside and wiped his arm across his brow; when one turtle suffered, all of them suffered. Raphael had developed a fever, well, a larger fever.

They had discovered he already had one, once he was unconscious and approachable. Enclosed within Raphael's box car bedroom it became a definite turtle oven. He picked up a bottle of peroxide. Donny felt a bit guilty for having been so mean to his brother when he was ill, but then he wasn't really. It was Raph's own fault for not saying anything, he could've got them into serious trouble for going above ground while he was so vulnerable. He could have been caught, and they could have been exposed.

He poured the peroxide over the cut, catching the extra in a rag. Raphael mumbled unintelligibly, but didn't wake.

"Yer tellin' me." Donny responded offhandedly.

"Who's telling what?"

"Nothing."

Leo came and sat by Donny, "How's he doin'?"

Donatello laughed dryly, "He's a sick turtle with a head wound."

"Wouldn't mention that head wound part around Mikey."

"Does he feel real bad?"

"Real bad, but he'll get over it."

"Course."

Raphael stirred again, his breath quickened, one hand groping towards his head. Leo caught it in his own. "I don't think you want to go sticking your fingers in there."

Mikey's head appeared in the doorway. "Is he waking up?"

"Yea Mikey, looks about that way."

Mikey came in and kneeled by them, and they waited. Raphael showed his discomfort, sweating and panting. He was awake enough to swat at any of the brother's attempts at comforting him. Finally he opened his eyes, but upon seeing their faces, he moaned and closed them again, turning his head the other way. His hand went to his head more carefully and circled the outside of the cut, his breath hissed.

"Yep, he okay."

There was a half hearted giggle from Mikey, "Ah, don't be that way Raphy. We're just trying to help."

Raphael glanced at them with one eye, then closed it. I don't need your help! "What did he say?" Leo asked.

Raph sat up suddenly glaring and grabbed Leo's shoulder; pulling him close. He opened his mouth as if to say something, "I...I...", then stopped and looked at Leo hard, trying to remember what he was going to say, his eyes were red with fever and anger. He pushed Leo away from him, put his head down into his hand and was silent.

"Wow, well the good news is that Mikey's nunchaku skills are extremely effective." Donny whispered, then caught himself when Leo shook his head.

Michelangelo's face flushed, "Raph, I'm so sorry! I thought you would duck!" Mikey took one of Raph's hands. "I swear I am!"

"Why don't you lie down, try to get some sleep?" Donny put one hand on Raph's shoulder to push him back. Raphael pulled his hand away from Mikey and punched Donny in the plastron. It wasn't strong enough to hurt him, but it made the correct point. They all quietly got up to leave, with solemn or chapfallen expressions. Mikey was the only one who dared to give Raph's shoulder a quick squeeze before shutting the door behind him, enclosing him in the dark.

I sat there like that for a long time, trying to gather my thoughts. I knew I wasn't thinking clearly, I couldn't even understand what I was saying to myself. There was no use trying to talk when everything I said was mush. My head was pounding so hard I had to hold it between both hands to keep it connected. I knew today was going to suck, well, it damn well did now.

Donny was right, Mikey's nunchaku skills are extremely effective. I almost had a twinge of pity for any goons who got on Mikey's bad side. Now that I knew what is felt like to be on the opposite side of the weapon. Several times I coughed involuntarily, and had to fall back onto my pillow holding my breath until I could focus again. I didn't even try to get up again, yea, I was sick all right.

I had every right to lie around in bed, and I was planning to do just that. I was starting to fall asleep when someone pulled the blanket that I had kicked to the floor up around my shoulders. I tried kicking it off again. I'm burning up enough on my own, I don't need your help!

"Lie still my son, you can not go against a fever, you must go with it." What is that supposed to mean?

"And it also seems you have taken quite the knock to the head. Perhaps you will be kind enough to let Donatello finish cleaning the wound, before it becomes infected?"

I mumbled affirmatively at him. Sure whatever, if it would get everyone to leave me alone, then go right ahead. He pulled the blanket up again and laid a hand on my forehead.

At some point Donny finished poking me, and left the room, saying nothing other than a light whisper, "Voila tout". I tossed around, burning up under my blanket. Trying to sleep now that peace and quiet had been promised to me. And at another point I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up. I felt better, really I wasn't feeling at all.

I got out of bed and found my brothers and master Splinter in a circle meditation.

Apparently I'd missed a second training session. When I approached them, they all turned their attention to me. "Raphael, are you feeling better?"

"Yea Sensei."

"Good, then you are ready to hear the consequences for being careless."

I scoffed, "Carelessness? Good, I was afraid you were going to punish me for everything I've done wrong."

No one laughed, when I had really expected them to. Had I really done something that wrong? "What are the consequences Master Splinter?" Everyone stood up at once; it gave me goose bumps, that and the way they were looking at me.

"You will fight your brothers, three against one," He said, his face perfectly calm, "so you may really know what it will be like once you are alone"  
I was wondering if he was serious. I expected to be punished of course, I got punished for everything. But couldn't it wait?

"Sure, not like you've been knocking me down all day."

Leo was on top of me then, I hadn't even seen him coming. I fell hard on my back, he had his knees on my elbows, pinning me down. "Dude Leo, that hurts!" Leo responded by punching me once in the jaw, and I was too shocked to even be mad.

He jumped off and away, Mikey and Donny took hold of my feet. They threw me up and over their heads. I came down on my side. Something snapped in my arm. I jumped up then, but it was clumsy, I almost fell down again. I felt like there was sun in my eyes, and I could hardly see, and hardly stay on my feet. My arm held to my plastron. "Why are you trying to hurt me? I did something stupid, so what!" I squinted at them through the light. All three came at me at once, then I was standing there, helpless.

I realized I couldn't remember any of my ninjatsu. I was an open target. My good arm was held awkwardly out in front of me, I didn't know what to do with it.

"Wait!" I yelled at them. They landed on me, holding me down, punching. I couldn't push them off. I saw a glint of metal, one of them had a sai, one of my sai, pointed at my face. "No, I can't fight! Time out!" I yelped at them, gasping for air. "Something's wrong with me!"

I heard Splinter's voice, "Of course, you rejected us, until we had no choice but to reject you." The sai came down and plunged into my face without faltering. "No!" Then somehow I moved, and got to my feet. I looked for some kind of truth in their eyes, some kind of humor. "Knock him down." Leo jump kicked my plastron, and I fell onto my back. I stood up.

"Again."

Mikey.

"Again."

Donny.

What were they doing this for? I didn't reject them at all, I didn't feel good. I get angry.

I didn't get up.

"Raph?" I twitched awake, literally. Shocked, caught in that moment between the reality of waking and the realization that what you had thought was your untimely doom was nothing but a bad dream. My head hit the wall, I hissed and bit my cheeks to keep from cursing.

"Raph?" That was Leo knocking lightly on my door. "Are you awake?" The door screeched in misery from him leaning on it. I concentrated for a moment, was I awake? Yea, so what was his point? The door was still squeaking.

"Alright, alright, lay off!"

"Sorry."

"Yea, yea, I bet. So whadda ya want?" I asked.

"I just thought you might be hungry or something." He told me, I just kept my mouth shut in hopes that he'd go away. Didn't work. "So, umm, can I get you anything Raph?"

"No, just some damn peace and quiet."

"Okay, I'll tell the guys to be quiet for ya." Well that cut it! Naturally if I get something that I want, I'm not gonna want it.

I threw the blanket to the floor, stood and stretched. Hoping he didn't see me swaying on my feet. There was still a low throbbing in my head, but I couldn't tell what it was from. Probably Mikey and his nunchaku. "Are you sure you don't want to rest?"

"I'm done sleeping, I don't know what kind of turtle you are Leo, but it takes more then a little cold to keep me in bed." I stepped out of my box car, stretching my arms behind my back. Pretending I didn't ache, and wasn't light headed and too hot, or confused from my all too real nightmare. Then I caught myself thinking, 'and now what...' 


	3. Chapter 3

You know how you feel when you do something, that otherwise, would have been really cool, but you have no step two, so it falls flat, and you're left floating there. Hoping no one noticed. Like telling a joke, but not knowing the last line. That's what just happened to me. I stood there for several seconds looking like a complete doofus. Smooth as can be.

And then... what?

Splinter's frail form motioned sullenly at me from the detached box car that was his. I approached him, coming to stand just outside his door.

"Raphael, come sit by me."

I did, easing onto the floor at his feet. The feeling of old knowledge that his room had settled on my body in a strange calm, but I still remained tense, always ready to pounce. "Yea Sensei?"

"Are you feeling better?"

I considered that.

"Um, yea." That wasn't entirely true, and I wondered if he could tell, and resisted the urge to itch at my head. Master Splinter caused a strange kind of ambivalence to stir within me, it was something I never expected. Who was this person, this rat, and why did he have so much power over me? I always saw him as some kind of oracle, and I was desperate to leave.

He looked me in the eyes; it was awkward and I couldn't keep my eyes on him.

"Good," He answered, "then you are ready to hear the consequences for being careless."

Something in my mind twitched. What were the consequences for being careless? Even though I denied it, I knew deep down, or perhaps I was just white-washed in a way, that I believed any punishment that Splinter gave to me, was punishment that I deserved. Would this time be any different? What did I deserve?

I've been told to rot in hell once or twice, by nobodies. At points of high intensity with my brothers. Did I deserve that? Then another thought crossed me. Maybe I was a horrible person. Maybe...

"My son?"

"Yea?" I snapped up, suddenly aware, "Yea, I'm ready."

"Very well." Splinter took a deep breath, sitting with his back straight, closed his eyes and released his breath very slowly. He was... meditating? Was this my punishment, being meditated at? Maybe Splinter was just going senile. So I just sat there staring at him in bewilderment for several seconds. From now-what to now-what. Perhaps this was his way of saying don't talk to me. Telling me I'd been rejected, disowned, until further notice. No deposit no return.

Was I too despicable to talk to, for him to even look at me? Donny once said that if I was human, I'd be locked up in an insane asylum. Maybe I wasn't the perfect pupil like Leonardo; the epitome of respect. Or Donny; a technological genius, who could easily defeat all our opponents from his computer, but still cared enough to learn the ways of ninjitsu. Not even Mikey, who for some reason was perfectly happy with the world and himself, his family and mankind, as if everyone was good and only needed a second chance.

And what was I? I was angry. I was disrespectful, I didn't try to be though. Mean. Loud. Untalented. Now that I thought about it, maybe the world was as disappointed in me as I was in myself. Maybe the world was as fed up in my anger and disrespect as I was. Maybe the world knew there was no place and no hope for an angry mutant with no passion for life just as well as I did.

Maybe the world had always known there was no place for me in a team I failed to cooperate with or contribute to, and was just waiting for the cold truth to dawn on me.

Maybe I was too slow, and didn't take the hint fast enough to save myself. So now I was being rejected for that reason too.

Bull shit.

I think.

Nothing will ever really change. We've lived our whole lives like this up 'till now, and things have always worked out. But how can we pretend, how can I get over, being angry, when there is so little genesis to it? It seems like my whole life is mock-heroic, purely out of... what? Envy? I hate to say anger.

We'll just pretend I was never angry just like all the other times.

Bull shit!

But why?

My eyes snapped open. Meditation clears the mind. That's the real bull shit; meditation only clears the mind if your mind was clear to begin with. How can you clear your mind with an exercise that forces you to concentrate on your deepest troubles?

"Now that you have cleared your mind," I almost laughed at those words, "We are ready to begin your punishment." And he paused, waiting to see if I had any objections. Then continued, "You will continue each training section for an hour after it ends. Fallowed immediately after by a two hour meditation."

I nodded. Now, that's what I like, cold hard punishment. He tried to make me talk, and I wouldn't. So Splinter was forced to do what he always does, make me sweat. Maybe he'd finally figured me out. I'd thought of it before, if everyone would just quit trying to talk to me and smack me around a little when I was being an ass, maybe I wouldn't be such a monster.

If I was human I would be in an insane asylum. What would Donny say about that if I gave him my anger theory? That all I really wanted was to be treated like the monster I know I am. If they did, maybe it would go away.

"Now please, my son, go and get some bed rest."

I just got up and walked out. So much for thinking I had finally been understood. It was just too damn ironic to even be remotely funny. My head was pounding again, or I just remembered it was. My cheeks were hot and I could feel the heat creeping down my neck. So I just got up and walked out.

I must have looked as nasty as I felt, because no one said anything as I came out of Splinter's room. It didn't seem worth mentioning why Leo and Don were standing so close to the door. I crossed the room and fell over the arm of couch on my shell as casually as possible. My head spun for a moment from the sudden movement, I ignored it. Mikey was on the couch next to me, I saw him eyeing my head suspiciously out of the corner of my eye.

"Your starin' holes in my skull Mikey."

"Yea, and I nunchucked one in it too."

I looked up at my little brother, then at the TV, he was watching reruns. "Give it up Mikey, let's just say this makes up for me whacking the head off that god forsaken bear of yours." I grinned viscously. I, myself, think it would take a lot more than one headless teddy bear prank to make up for a head wound. But it means a lot to Mikey, I guess if someone decapitated something important of mine and stuck on my pillow next to my head, I'd except a crack in the head as equality.

"That's not funny." He was smiling anyway. "That was my childhood, and you tore it's head off and made me relive the godfather movies. You could at least picked a good movie."

I laughed. Only Mikey, my little brother. He had this way making me forget everything that was unpleasant and just be happy. We sat in silence watching the TV. He didn't ask questions, even though I almost wished he would sometimes. He was so willing to forgive me. Sometimes it did frustrate me. I flaunt around and make a scene of my anger, and he doesn't even have to get off the couch to make me completely forget.

Just like always.

Was I frowning?

Just like always?

"Raph?"

"Eh?"

Mikey was looking down at me again, he was just barely smiling. Really, I don't think he was smiling at all, that's just the way his face fell. Just like mine always fell into a sneer. "You know it's your turn to make breakfast."

"Is it? Great!" I said sarcastically. Michelangelo hadn't said it in a way that meant he was going to hold me to my word. Silently I almost heard the words that fallowed after 'but you don't have to do, just relax'.

I managed to ignore the unsaid words while retaining my smile, I even managed to make a joke out of it. Not much of a joke because that was all the skill I had to offer even if I had been deadly serious. "Who wants tomato soup? I'm feeling culinary, I'll use a can opener."

"Instead of a sai? Woah Raph! I'd be careful or Kagas going to be raiding the sewers looking for you."

I barely smiled, my mind to preset at the moment. I wouldn't have bothered normally, it was a minute responsibility I would have ignored until someone broke down and did it in my place or until I was forced on one degree or another. But there was that look in Mikey's eyes. It was enough, too much, seeing it in Master Splinter, but Michelangelo? No, that was unacceptable.

Treating me like a cripple. Incapable, different. Treating me different, I think that's a key word. Different. There have been worse injuries, but we've all always treated each other equal respect.

There was something 'different' about me, that I was barely aware of and it scared me. And that my family was not aware of at all, but knowing anyway and it was terrifying them. Was that it? Did they think something was wrong with me, the way I felt something actually was wrong with me? Did they think I was going to pull a gun from behind my back and shoot them all for being insolent bastards?

Or run away and never come back.

Did they think I was that out of control?

What am I thinking? There's nothing going on. My head's hot. In more ways than one, and my mind drifted back to the previous night when Splinter was pulling the blanket over me "You can not go against a fever, you must go with it." Not for any particular reason, it was just there in my head with a few odd pieces of wisdom I kept constantly on mind.

"Tomato soup." I said absently, Mikey looked at me in way that said 'Tomato soup' was not directly related to anything. We'd been silent for a long enough period of time.

"Tomato soup?"

I nodded, "Tomato soup." Then pulled myself off the couch, shaking the thoughts from my head and filling the crowded dimension with tomato soup. Maybe I would use a can opener this time. I didn't have my sai with me anyway. I fumbled uselessly at my belt.  
They were usually directly under my pillow, for easy access. Usually they were the first thing I saw in the morning and the first thing I did was return them to rest snuggly in my belt. My brothers didn't know to place them under my pillow, where I was sure to find them, they must be on the table in my room. A reasonable place where I'd never look. I never felt quite at ease without them.

Maybe that was my problem; I was having separation anxiety. They could be decapitated and placed on my pillow along with Mikey is the most frank way of putting it. That doesn't matter, I wont need to use them, no training, no scouting, no reason to need them.

Nothing but extra weight to carry around. A bad statement.

None of my brothers had their weapons with them. But I know they know exactly where they are. I'm not even that sure. They might have been left in the alley where I was knocked unconscious. No. I looked briefly down at Mikey, then at the table by the couch; there were his nunchaku. They'd never leave my weapons, just like I would never leave theirs.

My arms stretched over my head and I made my way to the kitchen with an uninspired eagerness. Suddenly I smelled breakfast heavy cinnamon. Today was my turn wasn't it? Yea, yesterday was Leo's. Today's mine. Yesterday was Leo's. My heart was beating fast. Leo stepped out of the kitchen in front of me, drying his hands on a towel.

I spun on my heels, goaled towards my room at a quick walk.

"Raph?" I walked past the couch and Mikey asked the same question, I ignored them both. What did that just mean? Do they think I can't do anything?

"Raph. What's wrong?" I heard Leo coming up behind me. "Hey, I'm talking to you!" His fingers brushed my shoulder but didn't catch. I slid into my room and slammed the door shut, inches from Leonardo's face, probably hit his face, don't care.

My hand instinctively smacked the light switch upward, there was a flash of light and a crack then the room went dark again, leaving spots in my eyes. I grabbed my pillow and felt under it, nothing. Feeling for the bedside table I missed and knocked all it's contents to the floor.

"Shit."

Still blinking against spots and the dark I dropped to the floor and pawed the floor.

"Shit!"

My hand pressed down over the cold steel and sliced into my palm, but it was in my hand, locked in my fist.

"Raphael?" Leonardo's hand landed on my shoulder. I was wrong to assume slamming a door in his face would be a good enough hint. I spun on him, he hissed a word I don't normally hear from him and squeezed his wrist. I must have cut him, but he didn't look angry.

I don't know what I looked like, in the dark on the floor, pressed in the corner with my sai quivering in front of me, covered in blood. Mine and his. Pathetic. Demonic comes to mind.

"What's wrong?" Leo sat down on his knees, eyes full of concern.

"Nothing dammit, go away." There was a silence after I spoke, in which he should have gotten up and left if he was any kind of smart. The silence droned on, I felt myself twitching with eagerness that I forced myself not to act on. What good would slicing at my brother do for me?

I felt the words rise, I was ready to make my point. Go away. Go away. He got up and left, I didn't have to say it twice. That doesn't happen a lot, not with me and Leo.

My eyes caught on the dark floor, in a trance, like when your tired and can't sleep. Like if I moved the world would shatter. I aged ten years in silent frustration at the world, and myself but it mustn't have been more than a few minutes.

Leo came back, I put a hand over my eyes, hoping the world would shatter, but move over me. Like a turtle, if I can't see you, you can't see me. I guess I know that's not true.

I listened to him shuffling around, sounded like he was moving furniture, I couldn't tell, exactly. But I was just gonna let him do it, if it would get him to go away then I don't really give a crap. There was more shuffling and a click, yellow light filtered through my fingers like needles into my skull. I closed my eyes tighter to block it out.

Don't move, don't say anything. You can't yell if you don't. I chanted to myself. You wont throw anything, or hit Leo or plunge your sai in-between him eyes, as long as you just sit here. 


	4. Chapter 4

(I just wanted to say, thank you all for the reviews, and to clear up a little confusion. This whole story deals on the subject of rage. Basicly hitting on the peak of Raph's anger issues, how he tries to deal with it, and how he is realizing how anger is basically tearing him apart. I'm guessing you're all a bonny bunch of characters or I've been a little too enigmatic for anyone to catch it, maybe both. Expect some speeling errors. (I did that on purpose.) Because I don't have a spell check and I'm lazy, but there shouldn't be anything to glaring. Gracias!)

Chapter 4

In seventeen years of life Leonardo, Michealangelo and Donatello thought they knew their brother, because they knew eachother and he knew them. But over the last few days they were beginning to think they didn't know him at all.

Once in a lighter mood Raphael had revealed to them what the consequence of carelessness was. It was an hour of extra training and two hours of meditation. That was a lot of meditation, even for Leonardo. But it didn't seem to be enough for the red clad brother, as soon as he was done in the dojo he would creep back to his room and continue to meditate there.

It was the silence that was most confusing. Raphael had been a hot head long before he began to start fights and yell and curse; before he became generally frightening with rage. In the last few days all of that seemed to have washed out his system. He seemed generally emotionless.

Conversations were always short, it seemed Raph didn't really have anything to say either. Talking to him mostly consisted of shrugs and half hearted 'sure's'. They tried numerous times to cheer him up, in a manner of ways they would be embarassing if anyone saw them. In response Raph always gave them a look like you would a hyperactive child.

Mikey was the first to compare their brother's new personality with that of their sensei. Though Master Splinter had no answers to Raphael behavior, but he was closest when he compared the red turtle with the calm before the storm.

Meditating, please. Earlier I heard them talking about my new habit, as if it wasn't a mandatory one. I sprawled out on my stomach, soaking up the coolness of my cotton sheets.

Lightly I prodded the scabbing wound on my head. I'd had enough scabs in my day, but not usually on my forehead. It felt like a large piece of jerky had been super glued to by head. It kinda looked like jerky too, other than the green tint of my skin underneath. I was constantly resisting the urge to tear it off.

They probably thought I was meditating now. You'd think they knew me better than that by now. I can clear my head just as easily my running or listening to loud music. Course, as much as I hate to admit it, I think the meditating is helping. At least a little. I'll give Master Splinter points on that one.

Someone knock on the door to my room. "Yeah." I muttered, without bothering to get up.

The door creaked open and Donny's head appeared. He gave me a loose grin that I didn't return. I liked trying to out class my smart brother. It was a challange I hardly came on top of, but that's what made it fun. After a moment Don dropped the grin, rolled his eyes around the room.

"Why is the light off?"

I shrugged. Spite, because I'm an egotistical bastard, I was tempted to say. I didn't, there was no explaining it to anyone. It made perfect sense to me though. Leo changed the light bulb as if I couldn't do it myself. Having the light on meant Leo was right, I guess. Like I said I couldn't explain it to anyone. It pisses me off so I leave it off.

"Huh, whatever then." Donny said after a moment and giving his own shrug, he was winning the challange. "Anyway, I wanted to look at your head, and remind you we had practice."

I turned my head before he could see me scowl. What was there to see, I had a big nasty scab on my head, I was smart enough to decern that on my own. I shrugged again.

Donny flicked on the light. Even though I had been expecting it, it still caused a tinge, of anger? You know, sometimes I even wonder about myself. That light bulb makes me angry, and that makes no sense, even to me.

Rightly guessing that I wasn't going to get up for him, Don pulled up a chair and gave me a quizzical look. I gave him a rather frightenly blank look and flipped onto my back so he could actually see my big nasty scab.

"Huh." Donny said.

"Huh." I agreed.

"Other than being really gross, it's fine. I was afraid it would get infected, you never know where Mikey's nunchakus have been." He laughed a little at his own joke. "Anyway, are you up to practice? Don't you get tired having to practice extra then do it again?"

I tried to hide it, but I must not have been quick enough. A wisp of my fury snuck through. It had never occured to me that I was dangerous because of my temper. Until that day when I cut Leo, everything was so dark and my thoughts were so loud and meaningless that I was out of control. It probably isn't healthy to hide it, because it's still there. But I really don't give a fuck, as long as I'm okay, I guess.

Donny didn't say anything out loud, but the look on his face was more than enough. He knows me well enough to at least guess what is was I was thinking, the little punk made a quick recovery. "Phh, who am I kidding," he started, "I bet you can't get enough."

I gave a half hearted smile stood, ushering him out the door. For a moment my hand wavered toward my sai, thinking better of it I left them there. No one has any idea how hard that is for me to do. I don't even need them, it makes no sense why I want them with me so badly. Of course I have the same problem with potatoe chips, but I don't think that's for the same reason.

We walked to the dojo, chatting about something or another. I think Donny was as relieved to find me in a good mood as I was. I'm not the only one who doesn't like me in a sour mood.

"There they are!" Mikey said when we entered.

Splinter raised from the dojo floor, "Good than we can begin." The four of us got in a line from habit and waited for instructions.

"Raphael, where are your sai?" He asked me.

I patted my belt for a moment, like anyone would believe I had simply forgotten them. "Phh, I dunno. I guess, back in my room."

"No matter, today we will practice without." The old rat scanned the room, "Are there any objections?"

Were there ever any objections? Actually I remember Mikey complaining about have to do sword fighting with blind folds. Also all of us objected when none of us could walk straight from the last day's little training session. Today? No I guess not.

"Alright, Michealangelo and Donatello, Leonardo and Raphael. Spit into your groups, your goal is to pin the other for ten seconds."

Mikey leaned in, "Has he been watching wrestling?"

"Are you really surprised?" Leo whispered back with a small grin, "You watch it with the volume up so high..."

We broke off, Leonardo and I taking the half of the dojo closer to Master Splinter. We bowed to eachother and took our stances.

Training is really kind of weird when you think of it, for us and humans. We get to try as hard as we can to learn moves that could kill another person, but it's okay. It's okay because it's "self defense". I've never used it to defend myself, only to hurt and attack other people, which is also okay because we're doing it to protect people. Even though we rarely know why they were in danger in the first place. Normal punks our age would in deep shit if they did what we did, and so would the old bastard who said it was okay in the first place.

"You may begin."

From the corner of my eye I saw Donny and Mikey pounce of eachother. Without weapons it was more like play time than actual practice. I quirked an eye at Leo, neither of us had moved. He smiled at me, a real cute smile, the kind of smile you gave your little brother. I just wonder why he was giving that smile to me.

"Why don't we take it easy today, huh Raph?"

I could imagine my audience in the background; 'Ooh!'. What a low blow that was, I assume he was kidding. I forced myself to believe that was a badly played joke, and chose to ignore it.

I mimicked my brothers smile, but couldn't hold it. That kind of cutsy stuff just doesn't sit well on my face. I was smirking when I finally made the first move. Gasping from the sudden attack, Leo fell backwards onto his but, then sprung back up.

He should have seen that coming. Leo jumped on me, knocking me flat with all his weight on my shoulders. Like that you can't roll to the side, or flip forward.

Leonardo looked down at his brother and smiled again. "Or maybe not." He answered to his last statement that Raph had never answered. Raph narrowed his eyes, struggling to break free from under Leo's weight.

Just slightly Leo eased up, he didn't want to overwhelm his brother. He'd already had an extra hour of practice to day and would have another after this. Even though Leo knew it wasn't his fault but he could at least make it easier.

Sensing the movement Raph pulled away and jumped to his feet. Leo did the same, and they stood apart looking at eachother again.

Mikey laughed, even though he was about to loose. Donny was making some comment regarding Spider Man's sexuality, his secret weapon against his younger brother.

"You let me win!

They both froze when they heard the sound of their brother. It was the most they'd heard out of their brother all day. Leo pulled himself up, scowling and rubbing his shoulder. There was nothing to show that Leo had, other than Raph who had turned away rubbing inbetween his eyes iritably. Fuming was the best word for it, Raphael was fuming.

"Raph, it wasn't like that."

"Yes it is." Raph's voice was dangerously low. It wouldn't have been as frightening if he yelled. There were emotions still supressed, and the red clad brother was trying hard to keep them hidden. It was that knowledge that made the situation truely scary for the other's caught in Raphael's black cloud.

Splinter's whiskers twitched anxiously as if he had predicted Raph's next action and wanted to put a stop to the conflict before it eccelated. The fragile old hand wrapped onto Raphael's shoulder, both comforting and secure. He wanted to make it clear that the subject was to be dropped.

"I do not believe that Leonardo let you win."

Raph diverted his attention with an effort. Still glowering he answered his master in a sharp whisper of restraint, "But he did..." He looked like he had more to say, but fell silent.

"I think you've had enough for today my son."

That should have ended the argument, and by all means should have. Then Leonardo added softly, "Just relax Raph, you caught me off guard is all."

Raph wouldn't remember what happened outside the black cloud, and how he had been a part of it. Leo screamed from surprise, as best he could before falling back from head rush. Raphael screamed because he'd just broken both the fingers on his right hand, "Oh fuck!" He hollered looking at his brother wide eyed.

The red clad brother glanced at his siblings, absorbing their shocked faces, and the emotionless gaze of his master. Then broke for the dojo door, he was gone before Leo was able to stand up again.


	5. Chapter 5

Leo was shocked, really truly shocked. Mike and Donny didn't even aid their brother immediately, just stood blinking at the empty space where Raph had stood before storming out. Splinter didn't show an immediate emotion, in some ways he had expected what had happened.

The dojo stood frozen in time for a few long minutes, echoing the ghosts of the last moments.

"Just relax Raph, you caught me off guard is all."

The distinct cracking sound of fist upon skull.  
"Oh fuck!"

Donatello shook his head wearily, suddenly seeming to wake up and jogged to his brothers side.

Waving of attempt to help Leo got to his feet. Tenderly favoring his brow, "Wow." He said simply. Then there was more silence.

Wow seemed to define the moment nicely for everyone. The word hung in the air bouncing silently from everyone in the room until everyone had left, than it hung by itself. The dojo emptied without a word.

Leonardo leaning into the mirror and inspected the bruise staining his green brow. It had come up quick, but hadn't broken the skin, which was lucky. Then drew his eyes toward the medicine cabinet for aspirin.

They were almost out of aspirin.

Again.

Half a dose sat in his palm, then Leo dropped another pill back in the bottle. Someone was bound to need it more than him, probably Raph.

Master Splinter hadn't suggested he and his brothers go after Raph, so he hadn't. He wasn't really in the mood anyway. Besides, Leo thought, wasn't that what all of this was about? Raph wanting to be left alone. There had been a growing sense of tension within Leonardo, he'd felt some of the welling violence in his brother.

He'd never figured out, and still didn't know, how Raph did his reasoning. And when he tried to imagine Raph quietly thinking, looking a situation over for answers, he couldn't. But Raph had to, everyone did.

Leo left the bathroom and headed to his room, disturbed by the quiet padding his feet made on the tiles. Mikey offered a lopsided smile from the couch, but didn't invite Leo to join him. He wasn't in the mood anyway.

Mikey watched his brother disappear down the hall and went back to the television. He wasn't really watching it, he just needed something to stare at.

The lights all flickered out one by one, leaving the train station in a glow of wild colors reflecting eerily around the room.

The picture on the television went blank and the station was left in total darkness, he would have to turn it back on for the light if he wanted to get up. But it was a warm night, and he didn't really feel any reason to go back to his room.

Maybe if he stayed here he could catch Raph when he got back and talk with him. Raphael wasn't mad at him right?

If I was human I could walk into a corner store and buy some ice. I could really use some for my freakin' hand right now. Luckily it's too dark to see, I think my just seeing my broken fingers would be enough to send me crying back to the home.

The sky was obscured by bars, but it was a clear night; the stars seemed brighter than usual. Maybe brighter than I've ever seen them before. Maybe the rest of the sky is just darker than usual. Or maybe all the other times I'd come out here to look at the sky I'd never actually seen it.

I let my head rest on the cement wall, and cradled my fist carefully in my other hand. What time was it? Ten o' clock? Later? Probably not, time never moved fast when I wanted it to. Especially when I needed it to. When it gets late enough, I can sneak back into my room and figure out how I was going to act normal in the morning.

I needed every moment to pass as a life time. So I couldn't just sit and think for a while, then look up and realize that I had grown up and somehow figured out what the hell my problem was. Maybe by that time someone will have published and lost some magic video on how to be happy that wasn't porn, that I could just pop into the VCR and watch. 'Oh duh, why didn't I think of that before, how silly.'

Silly, that's a dumb word.

At least time could pass fast enough for me not to have to sit out here all night before sneaking back in. I hated the idea of that, it just seemed stupid. But everything seems stupid. Leo's an idiot, I'm a complete and total idiot; though I try not to admit it if I have to.

The fact that I punched Leo is actually kind of cool, but I'm going to go back and tell them it hurt me more than it probably hurt him is so freakin stupid I dread going back... The hours of discussion with Master Splinter, added with the hours of meditation I'm bound to face is definitely going to leave me stupid. But maybe after the hours of practiced "serenity" I'll be too brain dead to be pissed.

Of course, I've already tried meditation, I've been doing that my whole life. Master Splinter has to know it isn't working by now. Or not, I always seem to be switching between thinking he's the wisest being in this universe and the most able to repeat Confucius at random, and it's just luck that everything he's said so far has related to the situation at hand.

If he was half as wise as he plays himself to be he'd have been able to catch my fist. If not for me than for Leo. I'd never say that to his face.

Donatello cracked his knuckles, then made a mental note to quit doing that. He hadn't even tried to work on anything, but he couldn't sleep. He'd just been laying there for the past two hours since practice, in the dark.

Usually he tried to avoid doing nothing, but once in a while it was alright. Like right then, when he would just end up with a tangle of wire and a headache if he tried to be productive. Besides, he wanted to think.

'Oh fuck!'

Don remembered turning his back on Mikey at the cry. Knowing that Raph had been hurt; a simple training wound. But he hadn't known how.

Raph stumbled backward, cradling his fist at his chest. Leo was on the ground, that had taken Donny's attention away from Raph. Now he wished it hadn't.

Because Leo wouldn't talk he didn't really know what had happened. When he turned to look the damage was already done. But if he'd seen Raph's face, then he would have known what Raph was thinking. Maybe then he would have known what to do.

'Oh shit!' There was just something about the way Raph had said it, however crude a word it was. He'd just sounded, sad, that might not be the right word. At any rate it felt right. Donnatello opened his eyes, and stared at the ceiling. Appalled maybe?

Had Raph been appalled with his own actions? Surprised with his own violence?  
'My brother is very very sad, and very very frustrated about something,' Don inhaled slowly, 'and he feels like he can't talk to us.'

He suddenly wanted to go look for his brother. The bed creaked when he swung his legs over the side. For a moment Donny looked down at the smooth green skin on his feet and ankles, and almost understood Raph's anger.

"Donny?"

Don stopped, running his fingers over the metal rungs nervously. He gazed over his shoulder, noncommittally with a small tight smile, "Hmm?"

Mikey folded his arms in the dark, it was a hardly visible gesture, like Donny's smile.

"What are you up to?" He asked with a oddly innocent smugness, it wasn't often that he caught his brother off guard.

"A few things. Why are you interested?"

Mikey's smile faded, he shrugged. "I just am."

"I wanted to go find Raph." The phrase was spoken with almost a guilty tone, though Donny wasn't sure why, he felt like maybe he shouldn't after all. He backed down the ladder taking a deep breath. "But maybe I wont."

A lamp clicked awake, yellow light rang through the station without reaching the farthest edges. Their home seemed hollow and cavernous, more than usual. "That's probably a good idea." The brothers blinked, their eyes bothered by the sudden light. Bothered, naturally, by more than that, but they weren't openly willing to be the first to admit it.

Leo eased himself onto the couch with an exasperated sigh and crossed him arms. It was unsettling, suddenly so much reason to worry. A feeling of weight inside their chests followed them together on the couch.

"Why shouldn't we?" Mikey asked quietly, scrubbing at his face in exhaustion. "I'd think he'd want us to."

"He would want us to." Leo answered after a moment, clearing his throat. "And he wouldn't want us to." Donny finished.

A candle puffs out in a small stream of smoke, Splinter swipes dimly at it, and looks through the doorway at his young charges. They're right, he thinks, terribly terribly right. We'll all be happy again soon enough, but nothing will ever be what it should .

He turns his back on them, and sits careful on his small sleeping area, feeling out the darkness with his whiskers. Nothing will ever get better.

I shivered myself awake, lucid dreaming, I'm not sure I'd really been sleeping. My head started throbbing, mostly from being cold, I think. Maybe that was my mind's way of hating me, maybe I'd finally been fading away.

Oh my God. My mind was ringing over and over again. Oh my God, Oh my God. A few dim stars twinkled down at me, but I didn't want to see them anymore. If I can't have them, I don't want anything to do with them at all. The moon is there too, it hadn't been before. Maybe it was the light that woke me up.

Pointed filthy claws tripped over my feet, the creature sniffing me out. I screamed a little, instantly on my feet. I don't care if I was raised by a rat, those things are different. If I was still asleep it might have started eating me.

The thing runs for it, it doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Good. Another shiver works it's way up my spine. Oh my God.

I don't feel clean, but that's what I get for sitting in a sewer. My fingers broken, I can see enough of it. My fingers shiny and swollen, just enough to make me feel sick.

Oh my God. I hold my hand up, it looks almost blue against the moon light. You idiot, I think, you're a total moron.

This is as good as it gets. 


End file.
